Unburdened

I’m a 48 year old woman who hasn't yet experienced true partnership. And I don’t just want true partnership; my entire being aches for it. Like a pregnant body or a heart with nowhere to send its cargo, things like us either die or burst never having delivered our respective gifts to the rightful recipients…and everyone loses.

It is clear at this point in my hastening life that I will never know what it is like to feel the warm, strong and loving arms of my partner embrace me while I cradle our child. That opportunity has already passed. I held them each alone and did the best I could. That would be lovely beyond words and I ache for it too, but this I have let go.

What I’m really talking about is the person who is willing to lay his challenges on the table beside mine so we can sort through them together deciding which things we will address in order to build something. Sometimes all of those chosen things would be mine. Sometimes all would be his. In truth, neither of us would really care as long as it supported our life together and moved us forward in partnership and (sometimes) sacrifice.

Make no mistake. I’m not talking about losing myself ever again. I’m talking about knitting my stitches with his so that the end result is more vibrant, more three-dimensional, more meaningful and with a greater degree of warmth than anything I could possibly have built alone.

I would still flourish.

He would thrive in his own right.

But we would also create something unique called “us” and we would hold it dear ~ because it is.

Today I want to hold someone long enough for our hearts to speak to one another. And dance in the headlights of my car on some secluded country road. I want to read someone’s writing, listen to their thoughts, and offer my own without prejudice or fear of retribution. I want to tangle my fingers with his. I want to do the dishes together. And laugh or cry together as the day requires. I want someone to notice me for who I am and to tell me that my contribution to this world thus far actually matters. That it is enough. That I am enough. I want to trust again. And, most of all, I want to finally love and be loved.

I want to unburden myself of all of the creativity, love, investment, passion, joy, sorrow, humor and commitment for another that I have been bearing alone for 48 years ~ before I die or I burst.

Even if for just one day.

One hour.

I want this.