The Chemistry That Is Me

I have been told I arrived in the usual way – head first and with some pushing. Solid enough to warrant a modicum of effort. So, what does this mean to me? For at least one day there was ‘matter’, however unremarkable.

After that, over the years, I became vapor. Never more so than in relation to men.

…making room…working around…opaque…pushed about…bending…flexing…almost invisible…

While certainly unintrusive, vapor isn’t technically nothing. It, too, has particles of substance. They just arrange themselves handily around vainglorious things and people; those that fancy themselves more important than they actually are in the Universal scheme of things.

So, how did this tiny, innocent, solid life become vaporized? Through sublimation, of course. Just like in chemistry – also in life. With heat and pressure, diminishment, and eventually reticence to even try.

…shh…don’t speak…don’t even have an opinion…don’t embarrass me…don’t you dare…don’t be…

Until, more than once, I thought I would disappear completely.

Each time I literally and figuratively became less visible. My body stopped taking food and failed to thrive. I smiled less. I complied more. I covered my mouth and averted my gaze so as to not be heard or seen. I went along and allowed others to mistreat me. I formulated ideas that I didn’t share that still live in hidden, written pages. Sometimes I even apologized for taking up the meager space that I still did.

Vapor.

But, as good fortune and good chemistry would have it, change of state happens with change of conditions – less heat and pressure, amplification, and the courage to try. Many things fuel this:

·         My children who remind me of my true character despite the smokescreen others trail.

·         Mindfulness practices that start each day with my hand on my own heart.

·         Girlfriends who watch me struggle, let me cry, lift me up and share life’s simple pleasures like good meals, laughter and the occasional margarita.

·         A small handful of good men who give me hope that not all are hell-bent on destruction.

·         Generations of families in this hometown of mine who remind me how deeply my roots run here and who recount kindnesses past that touched their lives in ways I had forgotten.

Unbridled Joy, Photo Credit: Complete Stranger

·         Two homes – the woods and my tiny flat filled with meaningful things including my glorious bed showered in peals of birdsong each morning.

·         Even complete strangers, like a woman yesterday, who showed me a series of photos saved in her ‘favorites’ of me dancing freely in a sundress one day early this summer letting me know how much hope these photos give her that life is filled with unbridled joy.    

Me. Unbridled joy.

So, as the world is straining to open up again, so am I. I look people in the eye when I am speaking to them and go out of my way to engage. I generously blast my massive smile into even the darkest spaces. I talk to complete strangers who quickly become my friends. I dance on the sidewalk in front of my home and the neighbors laugh and wave. I enter rooms knowing I belong because, quite frankly, I belong wherever my feet wish to take me. I don’t care if I fail when I try new things as long as the effort brings me joy and growth. I don’t care what untruths people tell about me; nor if others believe them because I finally remember myself again.

For those who are eager now to check my constitution to see how solid I actually am, I suggest you pinch yourselves rather than me. Don’t place your hand on my hip to check for a panty line. Don’t put your arm around my waist or sweep your fingers across my forearm. Don’t squeeze my elbow or anything else, for that matter. You’re not invited until you are invited.

And for the ill-advised few who are accustomed to stepping right through me and expecting me to swirl around you? Tread lightly now. I’m solid again and that’s going to leave a welt.

Solid.

What I have also come to remember is that the nature of the particles themselves – my character, my strength, my purpose – haven’t changed regardless of their state. They simply behaved differently. They adapted. And, in the end, all that matters is that I survived to write this piece at all not in spite of, but because of, the amorphous, mysterious, glorious chemistry that is me.