All In
They’re unsafely tucked away now -my feelings, my words – in places without oxygen that feel out of harm’s way but aren’t. In scary places where even I will have trouble finding them this time given their skills with ‘hide’ and my weariness with ‘seek’.
You coaxed them out and, with time and my encouragement, they trusted and complied. You showed curiosity and a kindness to which I was not accustomed. I doubted you and clearly said as much but you assured me there was no need.
Still, I minded the red flags like a referee. One here; another there. Subtle. Almost forgivable. Tiny tick marks. I carried on mustering hope that anyone else with a life such as mine would long since have abandoned.
You read my musings with interest. You remembered important things. You saw me and cradled my fragile heart in your clumsy hands. You asked me how I felt and waited to hear answers. You raged at injustices done by others more than I ever would. After all, I assumed that’s what I deserved but you assured me otherwise. The irony.
And, on occasion, you whispered me to sleep and made me feel like the world had room for me after all.
But, you lied that lie of omission that failed to summon her name.
I didn’t know.
And once they showed their innocent selves – my feelings, my words - you smothered them. With a careless sorry, you left them for dead on the sidewalk near the intersection of Joy and Invisible.
After all of that. After thirsting for every ounce of every thing that I am. You revealed that you weren’t ‘all in’. I never asked you to be. But, then again, I also never knew you were just using me to hedge your bets.
And now they are…
…all in.
Back into the cavernous internal spaces they have scurried – my feelings, my words. Along the slimy edges of an internal darkness taking the candles with them. They’ve become quite skilled, you see - time after time - sliding into cracks. Blending. Hushing themselves so they don’t call attention. They wait again in the oxygen-free darkness to see if there is a next. Trusting me to search. Thinking they are safe because I have always come looking before. Until they aren’t.
But, as I sit cross-legged on the pavement rubbing out the remnants of the carnage you left, I’m afraid that I may be too tired to fetch them this time.
Until I remember that one gift that I have always had and that you so coveted. Determination. So, knowing what hangs in the balance, I will grip any last scraps of courage and a handful of matches and I will go find them.
They will shine again.
I will shine again.
No matter how many times it takes.
Until we - all three - are cherished.